The only suggestion I would make to this statement would be to switch the first and second paragraphs. I’m no professional reviewer, but from all the proof-reading I’ve done for friend, I think the “ever since I was a kid” intro is one of the more common ones, and therefore not as likely to pop out as the more immediate story about the tumor. You’d have to rework the sentences a little, like “I never truly realized on a personal level how powerful a connection between doctors and patients is until last fall, when doctors discovered a pilocytic astrocytoma in my now-girlfriend’s spine.” You could also go for a suspense thing and just say it, but that might be too much of a gamble.
The only suggestion I would make to this statement would be to switch the first and second paragraphs. I’m no professional reviewer, but from all the proof-reading I’ve done for friend, I think the “ever since I was a kid” intro is one of the more common ones, and therefore not as likely to pop out as the more immediate story about the tumor. You’d have to rework the sentences a little, like “I never truly realized on a personal level how powerful a connection between doctors and patients is until last fall, when doctors discovered a pilocytic astrocytoma in my now-girlfriend’s spine.” You could also go for a suspense thing and just say it, but that might be too much of a gamble.
This!